Every Sailor Moon Monster of the Week, ranked by hotness: 70 - 41
70. MYSTERY CARDIAN
Cardian, Ep 57
Somehow reaching number 70, it’s the Cardian we barely see. The episode starts right as she gets Moon Princess Halationed, so all we have is this illustration. But since this is animation and everything’s an illustration, I feel justified saying she’s kinda hot. She just has a really fun look and I’m frustrated that this was the one time Sailor Moon fought a monster with moon powers, and we missed the whole thing.
69. MARZIPAN
Droid, Ep 76
Here we go with the food again. In this case, I think it’s just her clothes that are food. Maybe her hair, if that’s a wig. So maybe that’s fine if your focus is on sexy times, but I just don’t want her sitting on my couch if she’s wearing a thong made of cake or whatever.
68. AMADERASU
Cardian, Ep 53
Amaderasu is pretty bland, which is surprising given that she’s inspired by the similarly-named Shinto deity. She was sent to steal energy from babies, and ethics aside, do you really need a monster for that? They’re babies, their self defense skills are notoriously poor.
67. SNOW DANCERS
S movie
These are Snow Kaguya’s minions, and they do indeed seem to be made of snow. Supposedly these were inspired by a sculpture that Naoko Takeuchi liked, by the Dutch artist Theo Vos. They’re pretty and all, but yeah, the snow thing is giving me pause. That’s going to present significant challenges to a relationship unless you have an unusually low body temperature.
66. DAIHEART
Daimon, Ep 95
Deploying a heart-themed monster against Sailor Moon of all people is an interesting tactic. Daiheart is reasonably cute, but she’s overshadowed by her subordinates, generic hot guys who entice victims with the immortal line: “Let’s dancing.” You can’t say no to that.
65. BINAH
Youma, Ep 28
We’ve had Shinto, Buddhist and Christian monsters… How about some Judaism? Binah is (probably) named for the third sephira of the Kabbalah, though her angelic appearance is quite a bit less alarming than the more typical Jewish depictions of angels.
64. AUTOBIKO
Lemures, Ep 142
Autobiko makes for some intriguing visuals. Just look at the second image, that could certainly be misinterpreted without the proper context. I like the kind of old-timey motorist vibe and speedometer eyes, and the giant wheel she rides around on is… unorthodox, but there’s something to be said for a partner with their own transportation.
63. SAILOR BURI
Phage, Ep 173
Sailor Buri is definitely cute, but I think there’s such a thing as too much makeup. She has a whole tuna thing going on, and I guess this isn’t as unintuitive a combination as it seems, because I searched for tuna-themed idols and got multiple results.
62. BAKKONKO
61. GITTANKO
Lemures, Ep 141
I was torn for a bit on whether to exclude Bakkonko from this list, but I’m pretty sure she’s intended to be an adult, just a very short adult. Hopefully that’s an acceptable judgement call. This list would be a really dumb thing to be cancelled over.
In any case, this duo is mostly ranked this high due to Gittanko. The combination of white face, huge shoulders and shiny black outfit reminds me of the queer New Wave icon Klaus Nomi, and as an aficionado of queer history trivia, I just have to pile on some points based on that alone.
60. ONIWABANDANA
Youma, Ep 43
Banban, that’s what she says. That’s the main thing about her. I’m extremely here for the evil ninja monster thing. I guess my main critique would be that there’s nothing that monstrous about her. Like, she’s pretty much just a regular ninja. She can melt through the floor and stuff but I think that’s a canon ninja power.
59. SEIREN
Cardian, Ep 54
Not to be confused with the delightful season 5 villain of the same name, Seiren is a flying mermaid siren. It’s actually really cool that they incorporated both the bird and mermaid representations of sirens! The prehensile hair is cool too. She also has a knockout gas kind of ability, which is super handy when, say, certain people need to transform in public.Yeah, I really enjoy this design.
58. DAHLIAN
Flower Youma, R movie
There are three types of Flower Youma in the R movie, and they all share similar upper bodies. Dahlian are these snake-bodied monsters who live on Fiore’s asteroid-spacecraft-thing. They attack in large numbers, so I guess you’d need to be on board with polyamory.
57. CAMPANULA
Flower Youma, R movie
Campanula seem to be the aerial defense for Fiore’s asteroid, so they can fly around in space. This seems impressive until you remember that just about everyone in this movie can hang out on an asteroid in space with no negative effects.
56. GLYCINA
Flower Youma, R movie
Glycina’s the strongest and most plant-like of the Flower Youma, and the one that gives the main characters the most trouble, which is interesting as she’s also the first to appear. Well, I guess Xenian is also technically a Flower Youma, but she’s also a main villain, so she’s not appearing on this list… which has saved me from having to assess the attractiveness of a very tiny parasitic flower lady. I’m genuinely unsure where that would end up on this list. As for Glycina, the crab legs and vine arms are horrifying on one level… but I’m kind of into it. I guess alien plant monsters have the potential to be pretty hot. Maybe someone should do something with that.
55. OTEDAMAKO
Lemures, Ep 131
I initially wasn’t sure what to say about this one. She… juggles? Oh, but then. Then I noticed the boob spikes. Hell yeah. That makes a statement, and it’s practical! I need to acquire an outfit like this. It’s nice to find someone who shares your aesthetic.
54. U-ESTERN
Daimon, Ep 112
Professor Tomoe fused a Daimon egg with a gun, and to nobody’s surprise, he got an American Daimon. U-Estern may seem like a crude stereotype, but I’ve lived here 14 years, and this is what Americans are really like. Honestly, I’m so used to it now that I don’t hate it, and quite honestly, she’s among the better case scenarios for a Daimon created from a gun. That could have been VERY scary. She’s the first of the cormorant-type Daimons, whose names all begin with “u”, the Japanese for cormorant. Sometimes this results in a pun, sometimes it doesn’t, but I recall someone hearing her name as US-tan, which… also works, actually.
53. SAILOR GAMER
Phage, Ep 191
To the anger of many an internet man, Sailor Gamer is a woman! I like her look, she almost looks like she’s from another show. I’m curious: Is the monster who epitomizes gamers really good at games? Or does she just say slurs in voice chat? I hope it’s the first one.
This design is really interesting because there’s no super direct video game inspiration - she doesn’t have controllers stuck to her sleeves or a hat that looks like a PC Engine or whatever. Instead, she looks more like she could be a video game character, which is a much more creative take on the Phage concept. She also looks like she could be a Cutie Honey character, which is fitting given that a bunch of Sailor Moon’s staff were about to start work on Cutie Honey Flash once the season was done.
52. SUZURAN
51. GRAPE
50. HOUSENKA
Youma, Ep 24
Now we’re talking. This is Zoisite’s hit squad, who took out Nephrite when he was creeping on an underage girl. Admittedly, that wasn’t why they took him out, but I’ll take it. The Naru/Nephrite thing wasn’t cute, it was weird and gross. These monsters are all loosely plant themed: Suzuran is lily of the valley, Housenka is balsam and Grape is… well… grape. Grape’s the one in pink and black, Suzuran’s the one in green, and Housenka, the best one, is the one with the asymmetrical outfit and very queer two-tone hair.
There’s a handful of monsters on this list who’ve killed someone, but I think these are the only monsters to have killed someone permanently (the victims of the DD Girls and Mister Magic Pierrot got better). And since it was Nephrite, I straight up love these girls.
49. FURAIKI
Droid, Ep 64
Furaiki is definitely in a punk band on the weekends. In an allusion to the Shinto thunder god Raijin, her thing is drumming to create lightning, and I love the detail of the postive/negative makeup and power jacks as drumsticks. I’m definitely a fan. On the other hand, the electricity theming is cool, but this thunder and lightning themed Droid was deployed primarily to frighten a child who was scared of thunderstorms, which just feels like one of the less prestigious jobs a monster can be assigned.
48. BONNON
Genius Loci, Ami's First Love
This list’s sole Genius Loci (it was more of a thing in the manga), Bonnon is super entertaining, though she does unfortunately fall into the category of monsters who just look like regular people with unusual hair. Her main thing seems to be throwing love letters at you, which then… make you stupid? As metaphors go, this isn’t subtle.
47. HURDLER
Daimon, Ep 106
Once again I’m trying not to let my thoughts on the episodes influence my ranking of the monsters, but Hurdler does appear in my favorite episode. She just feels like the quintessential Daimon. This would be a great cosplay, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone do it.
46. SAILOR LEAGUER
Phage, Ep 187
I know absolutely nothing about baseball but I’m a sucker for a bright pink sports gal, so I’m just gonna roll with this and assume the depiction of baseball here is 100% accurate. Sailor Leaguer definitely stands out as one of the few Phage to actually be cute.
45. AYATORIKO
Lemures, Ep 151
It’s so hard to find good pictures of this monster, she has so little screentime. KeroKero Musume starts out as what looks like a tadpole disguised as a slightly different tadpole. You often see tadpoles associated with music in Japan, as the same word is used to mean tadpole and musical note. Then she becomes a frog girl who can shoot a long tongue out of her chest. Okay, I can work with that.
44. CHAGAMA
Daimon, Ep 104
A lot of Daimons don’t seem evil so much as they’re super focused on their special interests, and I respect that. Chagama just really wants to drink tea. She’s also very committed to being a good host, and if that involves stripping off down to her metal brazier underwear, then so be it. I’ll leave concocting a suitable brazier/brassiere pun as an exercise for the reader.
43. CHIKUON
Daimon, Ep 108
I love Chikuon’s whole vibe, from the masquerade ball disguise to the weird musical staff eyes. There’s something to be said for the warm sound of vinyl, and Chikuon makes me realize I want the voice training that makes me sound like an old vinyl record.
42. OSOUJI
Daimon, Ep 94
Osouji is everything I love about the monster design on this show. Some artist looked at a novelty vacuum cleaner, said “I can make that hot,” and now we have Osouji. I love that she spends most of the episode in a bad mood while wearing this cheerful elephant on her head.
41. KYOKUBADANKO
Lemures, Ep 129
You may see Kyokubadanko’s high rank and ask: “Is it just because of the whip?” No, it’s not just because of the whip. But it is mainly because of the whip. You’ll have to accept that the further into this list we get, the more my kinks are going to become apparent.