Every Sailor Moon Monster of the Week, ranked by hotness: 130 - 101
130. JARAJARA JOU
Lemures, Ep 154
We've seen a bland flower monster with U-Baulla… but what if there was a flower monster with too much going on? JaraJara Jou is a giant tulip, but she’s also a slot machine. A slot machine that in the first image reads KK… oh, that’s not good. Um. Yeah. She’s holding her arms up with her elbows bent, in a way that makes me think of White Diamond from Steven Universe, but somehow the main thing that keeps coming to mind is that bleak Dutch children’s book about the kid who turns into a gas pump.
I think the plan was to make all of CereCere’s Lemures plant themed, but they only ended up giving her two of them, and they also wanted this one to be a slot machine so you just end up with this very confused design. Maybe there’s some connection between tulips and slot machines that I’m missing?
129. SAILOR ARTIST
Phage, Ep 183
This guy is Clayface, more or less, but the issue is his personality. The tortured artist thing might seem cute at first, but a guy who routinely smashes his artwork in frustration is throwing up so many red flags. "Oh, but he's a monster, it's not like he can help it!" I'm sorry to say that he was routinely doing this before he was transformed into a Phage.
I dunno, man, I get that as artists we can frequently be harsh on our own work, but this guy’s habit of just breaking everything in a rage isn’t some romantic vision of a tortured artist. It’s really bad. And yeah, sure, monsters are always breaking shit, but like I said, this is a habit he had as a human too, and that’s the real problem here. We see a flashback to him doing it in front of Rei when she was a small child. Don’t fly into an uncontrollable rage in front of a child! Go to therapy! Oh, by the way - This guy’s name, obvious though it may be, was unknown for a long time because it’s never mentioned in the show or listed in the credits, and this season didn’t have published guides like the earlier ones. Someone eventually found it on… I think it was a VHS tape summarizing the season, and it listed the monsters? Prior to then, some people in the fandom called him “Shippai Sakuda”, since that’s the thing he says.
128. DOGBA
Droid, Ep 79
A monster wielding a whip, who collars her opponents? You might think this would be right up my alley, but no. My main issue - well, you know, aside from the whole "animal abuse" angle, that's pretty bad too - is that her skin is an eye-obliterating red, which combined with the white hair makes her look like a video game sprite with a glitched color palette.
The specific one that comes to mind is Wechnia, a glitch character from Knuckles Chaotix, a.k.a. the only Sega 32X game anyone’s heard of. He was Knuckles but with the wrong color palette, appearing mostly white and red, and looking super weird as what should have been smooth gradients of colors were instead just all kinds of clashing colors at random.
127. BAKENE
Youma, Ep 31
Look, I’m as much of a furry as the next transsexual, but Bakene is a bit too much of a regular cat for me. And frankly, this show where cats can have human-like intelligence and language skills raises a lot of questions about interspecies attraction I don’t feel qualified to answer.
Hey, so isn’t it weird how most of the reincarnations of the Seven Great Youma have weird powers even when they’re not monsters? Crane Joe has telekinesis, Urawa has clairvoyance, that Yumemi lady sees people’s past lives, Rei’s grandpa has exorcism powers that he uses against Zoisite, and Rhett Butler has the Tuxedo Mask danger sensing ability but for Luna instead of Sailor Moon. We don’t see enough of the priest to find out what his deal is, so that just leaves Reika, who actually appears a few times throughout the show but never displays any powers. That we know of. What’s she hiding?
126. PEROPERO
Lemures, Ep 158
She has like four different forms, only one of which is something I can easily assess in terms of human attractiveness. I dunno, she’s pretty unnerving on the whole, and I consider her to be an unofficial member of the ball Lemures family. I wonder when we’ll see more of them?
125. PUKO
Lemures, Ep 132
Speak of the devil. She’s the first ball Lemures chronologically, and… okay, the inflatable balloon lady thing isn’t for me, but I kinda wish they hadn’t also given her the human form. Like, have the courage of your convictions. Embrace that Roald Dahl-esque weirdness. On the other hand, I do think her evident annoyance in the second picture is justified. I'd certainly be annoyed if I was a living balloon who just got summoned by a guy who left a bunch of sharp objects around the battlefield. It honestly strikes me as unethical to deploy such an easily burst individual in battle.
124. YASHA
Youma, Ep 23
Yasha is Zoisite’s… espionage Youma, I guess, who he uses to keep tabs on Nephrite when he’s out being a creep. She has the marginally uncanny-valley masked form, and then her true, demonic form, which is more grotesque but less uncanny. More canny?
123. KYURENE
Youma, Ep 6
Kyurene’s an entertaining and menacing villain, and arguably the first truly interesting monster design we see in the show. I’m definitely filing her in the “Not my thing, but cool” category, and I applaud the bold decision to give her what I can only describe as boob fur. Man, this episode was so much fun and so weird. I wonder if… Yep, it was Ikuhara’s first episode as director.
122. YAMANDAKKA
Cardian, Ep 58
This monster references a specific Buddhist deity, and my main issue here is the potential weirdness of dating the god of someone else’s religion, not the extra heads and arms. Dating someone with multiple heads is just a more efficient form of polyamory, after all.
So, I could be wrong here, but I think Yamandakka is the only monster who was never defeated onscreen. We see her get caught up in the Makaiju’s rampage, but we see nothing of her after that, so it’s possible she’s still hanging around somewhere.
121. TESUNI
Youma, Ep 14
Tesuni’s pretty weird looking, but she’s a lot higher on this list than she probably should be because… she just gives me a lot of really gay vibes. Is it the tennis thing? Yeah, I mean, kind of, but you’re not gonna convince me this isn’t 100% a lesbian Youma.
I guess people mostly remember this monster for that bit where she encases Sailor Moon’s body in a giant tennis ball, and awakened… well, I’m not sure exactly what fetish being stuck in a giant tennis ball encompasses, but evidently it’s a formative memory for a lot of people.
120. VAMPIR
Cardian, Ep 47
Speaking of monsters getting extra points for gay reasons… Vampir’s the first Sailor Moon character voiced by Megumi Ogata, future voice of Sailor Uranus, so there’s plenty of lesbian vibes even before you consider that she’s butch, buff and a literal lavender menace.
119. BLIZZAR
Youma, Ep 38
There’s a lot going on here, but… but… snowman boobs. I want to talk about how this is a more whimsical style of monster design that would really come to fruition in the third season, but… snowman boobs. I’m sorry. I know your eyes are up there but YOUR BOOBS ARE SNOWMEN
118. FLAU
Youma, Ep 3
Look at that strong jawline and those broad shoulders. If it was just us trans people, there are certain jokes I could make at this point, but… yeah. What’s important is that there are a lot of people who are probably into this. Which is good. For me.
117. LAKE MONSTER
Ep 40
Imagine you got dumped and you were so mad that you turned into the Loch Ness Monster. That's what happened to this lady. The Lake Monster is entertaining because - at the risk of sounding like too much of a Lafcadio Hearn - Japanese folklore really is full of shit at least as wild as this. It’s cool that in addition to the main villains, there’s also just stuff like this in the Sailor Moon universe. Vengeful ghosts are just a fact of life and sometimes they’ll ruin your vacation.
116. FALION
Cardian, Ep 49
I don’t think we’re quite there yet, but we’re approaching a level of furry that I’m on board with. So… this is a pink and white lion. Doesn’t Steven Universe reference a ton of nineties anime, including this one? Do you think… maybe… Nah, it’s probably nothing.
I think this Cardian is another Buddhism reference because she sometimes appears with a spectral wheel that I think is supposed to represent the Dharmachakra.
115. LESHY
Cardian, Ep 51
Leshy’s another monster I’m not sure how to rank because of her two very different forms: traditionally feminine human lady, and… I want to say some sort of angry dog? Also she’s kind of a tree monster, with root-like structures around her legs, but that doesn’t really come across in these images. So like, she’s technically a tree monster but it’s pretty de-emphasized. I dunno about this, I’m very particular about my plant monsters.
114. MANEMANE MUSUME
Lemures, Ep 152
Given my strong dislike of monkeys I’m a little surprised she’s not ranked lower, but ManeMane Musume is a mimic who copies other people’s faces, so she doesn’t spend much time in full-on monkey mode. I… like her hat? I’m less sold on the eye nipples. Yeah, so my antipathy towards monkeys means I’m not really okay with all this, but designing an attractive lady who’s also a monkey can certainly go a lot worse if Candy Kong’s anything to go by.
113. CHOKOKKAR
Daimon, Ep 107
Now this is how you do an artist monster. Chokokkar is delightfully weird, leaving the fighting to minions she makes out of sand. As for attractiveness… have you ever been turned on by a Picasso painting? For myself, I can confidently say… only like four or five times.
I did think about including her two created golem minions on this list, but there’s not a lot about them to judge, plus that would have opened the door to including all kinds of other sub-minions like those living candy drop things that PeroPero spits out, and I feel like judging the attractiveness of a cluster of tiny turquoise spheres is beyond the scope of this project.
112. SAILOR MUSICIAN
Phage, Ep 192
Fun fact: Sailor Musician is the very last monster to appear in the anime. And it feels like they just threw everything at the wall for this design. There’s so much going on here that he doesn’t even have the sailor collar that most Phage have, there just isn’t room for it. He might be appealing if he had, like, half of the design elements he actually does.
111. TOBIKIRI YAROU
Lemures, Ep 155
Once again, I’m looking at a Lemures that I’m at a loss to describe, let alone rank. He’s a… flying squirrel, only the face is where its chest should be. Look, don’t give him a hard time. It’s clear he made his fursuit himself and we all have to start somewhere.
Yeah... This guy didn’t feel like enough of a straight up clown to put him with the other clowns, but I’m starting to have my regrets.
110. SAILOR CONDUCTOR
Phage, Ep 180
You know, I don’t have any real issues with this guy’s appearance. He might even be kind of cute. Oh, just one thing, though. Did he stretch a condom over his entire head? Because that’s what it looks like. I’m not saying it’s a dealbreaker, I’m just… concerned.
109. GIGAROS
Cardian, Ep 52
A big buff lady with a clear Ancient Greek influence? I consider it a real failure of design that Gigaros is 109 on this list and not number 1. This should absolutely be my thing, but instead she’s just so bland and forgettable. Ah well. Someday my Amazon will come.
108. U-HENSHUU
Daimon, Ep 113
Lum looks really mean ever since she got that office job. I’ve actually never been able to figure out if this design is an intentional reference to Lum, but anyway, U-Henshuu is an editor monster who menaces a manga author. Wow, did Hisashi Eguchi write this episode?
I'm kind of joking, but kind of not. There’s a genuine possibility that this monster is an oblique reference to Hisashi Eguchi. She attacks using giant blank manuscripts, and Eguchi would famously highlight the artist’s fear of a blank page in his manga, including in Stop!! Hibari-kun! where the blank pages manifested as ever-encroaching white alligators. Eguchi struggled a great deal with deadlines and was constantly going on hiatus, something that caused no end of headaches for the staff of the Stop!! Hibari-kun! anime, as they ran out of source material halfway through production. And one of the writers for that show was Shigeru Yanagawa, who was also on the writing staff for Sailor Moon’s first three seasons! So I’m just saying, one of the writers having history with a notoriously deadline-averse manga author could well have played a role here. Also, uh, check out my podcast about Stop!! Hibari-kun! Yeah, burying this plug in the middle of a long list is about the level of self-promotion I’m comfortable with.
107. ELEPHANKO
Lemures, Ep 146
Okay, hear me out. Elephanko is hilarious. She reveals that Sailor Moon killed her brother-in-law, Gum Mario… and then thanks her for it, he was an asshole. She’s the only monster to no-sell Tuxedo Mask’s rose. And her human form is… well, just look at it. Amazing. On the other hand... the knowledge that Lemures have lives complex enough to involve families and marriage makes me feel really weird about Sailor Moon annihilating them every week.
106. WIDOW
Youma, Ep 16
Of all the spider monsters in Sailor Moon, Widow’s certainly the first. How cute you think she is is gonna depend a lot on your feelings about spiders. Really, we don’t see a ton of her, and the main impression I get when I think of her is that she’s… really, really orange. Honestly the fight with her is mostly memorable for that bit where Ami and Rei come down from the ceiling on a lift labelled “the happy couple”.
105. AYATORIKO
Lemures, Ep 139
And here’s the other spider monster. Most of the Amazon Trio’s Lemures are pretty strongly themed as circus performers, but Ayatoriko’s just really into… cat’s cradle. Yeah. I don’t really get it, but she gets the edge over Widow for having a more creative design.
Man this episode has some really fun parts, like a kid samurai played by Sakura Tange, but the whole thing is undermined by the “Your parents love you really even if they’re outright abusive” message. It’s such an artefact of that specific time period.
104. AMANJU
Cardian, Ep 57
The most appealing thing about Amanju is her attitude. She listens to nobody. She does what she likes. And while I can’t endorse her fanatical dislike of ducks, I do appreciate her dedication to dismantling the exploitative hierarchy of the villain-monster relationship. She's the Cardian who just flat-out ignores Ail’s orders and goes on a rampage. I think the implication is that this is a symptom of the Makaiju’s decline in health, but it’s not super clear, so maybe she is just a rebel.
103. THETIS
Youma, Ep 12
For most of Thetis’ screentime, she’s using her conventionally attractive human form to hit on Jadeite. Her true form is… similar, but with no facial features and probably inconvenient arm blades. I have to be honest, the arm blades are bothering me way more than the face.
Thetis was one of Queen Beryl’s Youma, but teamed up with Jadeite, seemingly because she was really, really into him. So are human/Youma relationships a thing in the Dark Kingdom? Anyway, Thetis ended up eating a Moon Tiara Action and Beryl blamed Jadeite, leading to a desperate last-ditch plan that ended with him getting hit by a plane. Sucks to suck.
102. SAILOR CHEF
Phage, Ep 179
I don’t think Sailor Chef is unattractive. I don’t think Sailor Chef is attractive. My overwhelming impression of Sailor Chef is that he looks like he should be a boss in one of the later Mega Man games. He’d be called Skillet Man or something. Most of the Phage don’t have especially complicated personalities, but I remember this guy employing some actual strategy and trying to bribe Sailor Moon with cake.
101. DOBURIN
Daimon, Ep 97
I really wish I liked Doburin more than I do. A bald Daimon has the potential to be really cute! Alas, this design doesn’t quite work for me. I also have questions about the logistics of a Daimon egg fusing with pool water, but Ikuhara has stopped answering my emails.